How to write a cover letter, otherwise known as Nobody gives a shit about you

John Singer Sargent, Sir Frank Swettenham, 1904

Good ole' Sargent made tons of money painting what you cared about most: YOU. He knew exactly how to paint that satin dress, that tiger rug, those shiny medals to make you look great.

But is that what your cover letter should be? It's not about how smart or wonderful you are. The truth is your prospective employer doesn't give a shit about you. Think about what the most interesting topic is to you. Sargent has the answer: YOU. You care most about yourself. You like to hear people's opinions about you. Nobody is more interested in you than you.

Now the company that just might give you money every month - do they care about YOU? NO they care about themselves. HR people or bosses will scan the cover letter - you have about 20 secs. The best way to get their attention is to write about them, not you.

The only thing companies care about is what and how you can contribute. They also need to know you're not just randomly applying 'just to see what's out there.'

Show me you've done your research - this is the Google age, it's incredibly easy to find stuff out. And even if the company has no web presence, then ok fine, go research the industry and talk about some of the market leaders or more interesting players. Understand what a cover letter is supposed to do - get you that face to face interview.

Here's my version of how to write one:

First para - short and sweet 
Hello sir whatever, I am writing to inquire about the blah blah blah job.

Second para - you bothered to do your research
I've tried XXX product or attended your trade event. I think your company is wonderful because _____ and _____. Your vision and philosophy is _______,. In the next few years, there is the potential of ________________.

Third para - ok you have my attention, now tell me about you.
I can only give you guidelines, but here are my top 3:

1. Start off with how you think you can help the company - what are they looking for?  How do your skills or experience help? This is where your research pays off - it's not just about sucking up (by the way, you can even tell me why my product sucks - I will be instantly impressed if you make sense and have the resume to back it up).

2. Show you fit their corporate culture
If it's a quirky place, you want to show you can fit in - you like extreme sports and knitting (polarity in hobbies, hello Mr Interesting!) If it's a corporate giant, then be stable and have boring hobbies like knitting - for eg. don't say you're the club president of Death on Rollerblades. What's wrong? Your annual Death-on-Wheels event takes precedence over the company's most lucrative project.That's bad news.

3. Use minimal adjectives.
"I'm interesting, intelligent, and independent." Rrrrright. Don't tell me, show me! Tell me what projects you did, which Mensa chapter, how you set up your first business at age 10 selling porno website passwords to your classmates.  

Closing para - 
Your usual etiquette bullshit thank you any questions pls contact me blah blah.

OK that sums it up. I also want to teach you how to clean up your really long and useless resume, but that's for another day.

Let's end with Sargent. This is him in his studio with his masterpiece, Madame X. The one time he stopped worrying about YOU, and focused on HIMSELF. He poured all his love and labour into making his piece de resistance, and what happened? He got slammed.